I almost wasn’t going to make this an actual blog post, because I wasn’t sure where this would go… But, frankly, this isn’t like other blogs & this crap has been hanging out in my chaotic, crazy brain for far too long. Maybe vomiting it out into my corner of the Web will help me make some sense of it or give me an epiphany or confirm my fears or SOMETHING …
I have been going to bed most nights lately with tears in my eyes. It is all I can do to keep the tears streaming down my face from turning into full-on SOBS.
It started a couple of weeks ago… I woke up distraught & in tears over a dream. It wasn’t the first vivid pregnancy dream I’ve had so far this pregnancy, but it WAS the first that was disturbing & angst-ridden.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve considered myself an “all or nothing” kind of person. I give things my all or I give nothing. I do something to the absolute best of my ability, or I don’t even attempt it. If I cannot do it right, why should I do it at all?
This way of thinking has been tremendously helpful on so many occasions. . . It helps me leave something alone so I can clear my mind to move on to the next. . . But, it also has me passing up good or fun opportunities out of fear that I won’t be good at them.
Wait. What? Fear? Out of FEAR? Surely not. It’s a matter of fact, not a matter of fear. Right?
Ugh. I don’t know any more.
The point is that, as a result of this way of thinking, when I finally get around to actually setting my mind to something, I am mostly successful & happy in regard to it. The flip side is that it takes me FOREVER to get around to actually making my mind up & taking action.
So, today, I woke up, got dressed, & hit the grocery store. Getting up & getting going, first thing, without trying to do something else or “ease my way into it” is kind of a big deal for me. When I try to “ease my way into it,” I wind up never quite getting going. The couch is my best friend. I kid you not.
So, I was patting myself on the back, walking around the grocery store, basket on one arm & my Starbucks grande, triple shot, three-pump hazelnut, two-pump mocha with soy & light whip in my other hand. I had already been through the produce section & was looking for some hot dogs in natural casing, when I heard my name from a few steps away. It was one of my friends that I haven’t seen in several weeks (months? I don’t know; I lose track).
We hugged & said our hellos. . . Then she asked the question that made me cry instantly. In public. Ugh. Embarrassing much?