Well, technically, I suppose that should read, “Dear Me,” but I have this overwhelming disconnect between who I am now (& who I have been in the past) & YOU — who I am going to be in just a few short months…
When I was 19-years-old, I was a hot mess… But I don’t know that I would change anything because it all turned out okay — for the most part…
It started a couple of weeks ago… I woke up distraught & in tears over a dream. It wasn’t the first vivid pregnancy dream I’ve had so far this pregnancy, but it WAS the first that was disturbing & angst-ridden.
I will be honest; I wasn’t going to write anything for Ten Things of Thankful. Again. Ugh. BUT, then I remembered that this week marks the 100th week! So, I should probably pull my crap together to be a part of it, eh? 😉
I am grateful Ten Things of Thankful exists. (Thankful #1) I might not participate as often as I would like or as often as I really should, but it is a nudge in the right direction when my thoughts get too gloomy. Heck! Even when I don’t participate, knowing it is out there has me thinking about what I would write if I wasn’t so caught up in my own thoughts to the point where I can’t untangle the mess enough to create a post. The reminder to be thankful sometimes is enough.
Please forgive the vent. . . I just couldn’t help myself today.
I think this often lately, yet it’s one of the subjects I try not to talk or write about. . .
It’s uncomfortable. . . Slightly embarrassing (not just for me, but sometimes for the reader/listener, I am sure). . . Kinda personal. . . Occasionally disgusting. . . Downright unpleasant. . .
Yet, I know I am not the only one who currently struggles with this — or has or will have to deal with it, for that matter.
It is a fact of life.
Keep scrolling or click away if you must. . . Or keep reading if you’re curious, I suppose — just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The problem is the fact that I am a girl. . . That’s what my grandmother would call it, anyway. . .
Oh. My. Word! It just dawned on me that this is the LAST Ten Things of Thankful post of the year! Say, what?! I know it’s terribly cliché to say so, but time really does fly. . . Where has the year gone??
So, I thought I would go through my year — full of its ups & downs — & find this week’s thankfuls among those. . . Bear with me, this is gonna be a long one! (But I was sure to link up to other posts throughout the year that pertain to this recap, of sorts, so try to have fun with it, will ya?)
What contradictions. I am full of them. . .
I crave routine, but I’ll grow bored with it after a short while. . .
I want to go back to work — to contribute to our household, financially — but I have very little desire to go back to retail (what I have the most experience in), now that I have had over a year away from it.
I want to write (blog) more frequently, but I get so stuck in my own head that I can’t find the proper words to share.
I want to write a TToT post — each of the two weeks I’ve missed since my last TToT post, I thought about it more than once — It’s just that I feel like it is the same TToT post damn near every single week. . .
I am sad. I am bored. I have no reason to feel either. The handsome husband wants me to see someone (i.e. some kind of therapist), but I just can’t bring myself to start that tedious search. . . & I am frightened that it’d mean trying medication. (Been there, done that — YEARS ago — & it wasnt pretty.)
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Just put in the motions & see what happens. Same ol’, same ol’. Day after day.