I almost wasn’t going to make this an actual blog post, because I wasn’t sure where this would go… But, frankly, this isn’t like other blogs & this crap has been hanging out in my chaotic, crazy brain for far too long. Maybe vomiting it out into my corner of the Web will help me make some sense of it or give me an epiphany or confirm my fears or SOMETHING …
I have been going to bed most nights lately with tears in my eyes. It is all I can do to keep the tears streaming down my face from turning into full-on SOBS.
Run to class, wait for it to get over because it’s something boring that could have been done in half the time if instructors didn’t insist on hand-holding. . . Rush home & get food made, just to feel the let down when it’s time for the handsome husband to jet off to work.
Boring, lonely evenings at home. With the dog. Who isn’t enough company, no matter what people try to say about the joy of dogs. . . It might all be true, but he’s still a dog.
The handsome husband finally gets home, but as I am waking up, he is needing to go to sleep. Again, I am by myself. He might be home, but he is unavailable. . . Not able to really be present.
Then, he is waking up, but I am too tired to stay up with him. So, I go to bed by myself, cursing that I am tired because he is awake. Then, again, I wake up as he is going to sleep. . .
It’s a vicious cycle. . . I’m sick of it. It’s no one’s fault, necessarily. But I am just done.
I’ve cried entirely too many tears over loneliness. It’s ridiculous.
Last night, the handsome husband & I had a brief conversation, attempting to map out the next six or seven months of our lives. . . There are WAY too many variables right now! LOL. In the midst of this conversation, he stopped & gave me this funky look & said, “It’s too late for you to drop out of school, even if you wanted to! It would dash my hopes of retiring early!” Ha. Ha. Ha.
BUT, even mildly joking like this, there’s still plenty of truth to it. . . The reasons I went back to school aren’t so far off from this, believe it or not!
Now, there are plenty of reasons to decide to pursue a college degree. Many will attend for personal enrichment, to advance their career, or even simply because it is expected. Each of these reasons has crossed my mind over the past several years (and I suppose they have each had some weight in regard to my decision). However, none of these are what tipped the scales so far in favor of college attendance that I could no longer put it off. So, what is it that finally got a thirty-something-year-old up off her rear-end to begin the journey towards earning that piece of paper? Frankly, it is because the handsome husband would do better as a househusband than I do as a housewife.
I have a confession to make. . . With all my talk of trying to be more purposeful, lately, I’ve been doing quite the opposite. It’s not entirely out of control, but I could see it getting there! I am reacting to things, rather than being proactive & it is starting to show.
I’ve been tempted to say that I am getting overwhelmed lately. . .
But I am not entirely sure that would be 100% truthful. . .
I think it’s more that I get behind on what I know I should be doing. . .
There really IS enough time to get through everything I want to get through. . . & I can see the path to get there.
Where it is tempting to say that it is overwhelming is only when I allow myself to get distracted. . . Or when I cut things too close to a deadline (whether real or arbitrary) & I didn’t give myself a back-up plan to still get things done the way I wanted to.
Thinking about: my messy house! Okay. It’s really not THAT bad. BUT, after my first week of my first semester of college, I have definitely put my homework first. I have a bit of housework to catch up on as a result. I will find my balance, though. At this point, I do not anticipate this becoming too terribly overwhelming to juggle. . . I am relieved, because I was worried that would not be the case. Continue reading “Currently. Volume 4.”→
I don’t know about y’all, but it’s been a pretty fabulous week in my world. . .
Even though I had to say goodbye to my Little RJ on Monday (& won’t get to see him in person for another three months or so), I am still super grateful that I got the chance to spend some time with him this summer. (Thankful #1) (I don’t have that luxury with my oldest son — long story. Perhaps I will get into it another time. . . Then again, perhaps not. We’ll see.)
On Tuesday, I very nervously went to my first day of face-to-face classes at the local community college! It is a beautiful thing to be able to “start over” 15 years after leaving high school, huh? (Thankful #2) My mother fell ill the end of my junior year of high school & at the beginning of my senior year, I transferred to our district’s alternative high school, which screwed up any hopes I had of going straight to a four-year university after high school. My mother passed away half-way through my senior year & I barely graduated on time. I attempted classes at the local community college that next fall, but I had not allowed myself to properly grieve & wound up doing a hardship withdrawal. There’s been a stint at a career school (which I left around the time I found out I was pregnant & it was closed down just a couple of months later) & an attempt through a for-profit online school (but I was also single, working full-time with an infant at home & I over-extended myself). The third time’s a charm, right? This time around, I have the support of a loving (handsome) husband & the added confidence that comes with 15 years of some major ups & downs. It feels good. Continue reading “Appreciating the Little Things (TToT #4)”→