I almost wasn’t going to make this an actual blog post, because I wasn’t sure where this would go… But, frankly, this isn’t like other blogs & this crap has been hanging out in my chaotic, crazy brain for far too long. Maybe vomiting it out into my corner of the Web will help me make some sense of it or give me an epiphany or confirm my fears or SOMETHING …
I have been going to bed most nights lately with tears in my eyes. It is all I can do to keep the tears streaming down my face from turning into full-on SOBS.
Dishes get left in the sink, laundry stays piled up, the floor needs to be swept & mopped. . . It’s not horrific, I suppose, BUT, it IS just an hour or so of good, solid effort to kick the house up to the next notch of cleanliness. What makes it even more frustrating is that it’s on my mind & I want to do it.
Yet I don’t.
The clutter around me, however, is nothing in comparison to the clutter within me.
The sun streaked past the leafy branches of the trees, blinding me momentarily. A bird cried in the distance and a breeze swirled through the woods, as it pulled dead vegetation up from the ground to dance around my feet.
The forest smelled sweet, yet earthy and it elicited a sense of invigoration that would have been comforting if my mind wasn’t so clogged with thoughts of recent events, my insecurities, my worries of what is to come — the chaos that is me.
Instead, the scent of the woods made me tense with anxiety. Alternative to the sense of wonderment and tranquility the fragrant wilderness would have usually conjured in me, I felt as if I had been drugged. I was compelled to fight through my body’s traitorous sensations of comfort to stay alert and clear-headed.
I won’t sugar-coat it: I am a Starbucks junkie. It is what it is. Being in a state that I am still not QUITE identifying as my “home,” even after living here for over a year, there have been NUMEROUS times I wished I was back in Washington, tucked away in a corner at a local Starbucks store, catching up with a friend or two. . . Pair this with the fact that I am having a really hard time lately, trying to decide which parts of my chaos I am okay with sharing, & you get this rushed, last-minute contribution to the Ultimate Coffee Date blog hop for May.
So, pull up a seat & settle in with your favorite beverage & lets catch up just a touch. . . (My go-to these days is a grande, triple shot, two-pump hazelnut, two-pump mocha with coconut milk & light whip; what’ll you have? ;))
SO…. I went & did something. It’s quite a bit back-asswards. I won’t lie… I am a bit in shock that I did it. I am relieved, excited, & extremely anxious & nervous now as a result. I am not sure yet if I am ready for the world to know, because I am also almost ashamed that I did it because it is far from a “responsible” thing to do… I thought my BF would be upset with me, but, apparently, he knew it was coming & swears he supports my decision fully. Continue reading “How’s THAT for some Calculated Chaos?”→