This isn’t anything new with me. Yet, every time something happens to remind me of it, I am just as surprised as the last time. It makes absolutely NO sense. But, there it is. Knowing this makes it no less true. It is what it is, I suppose. Continue reading “How Dare I?”→
Kicking myself for: getting braces in the first place. I am so frustrated! I had them put on last July (2013) & things went seemingly smoothly for several months. In January, my dentist & orthodontist agreed that I needed a tooth pulled, so I grudgingly did it. . . The problem is that it is right up front, on the bottom — VERY noticeable! (Insert stereotypical “trailer trash” jokes here!) A week after the tooth was pulled, I had wires on again, to start straightening those teeth out. Then, in March, after only two adjustments since the tooth was pulled, the handsome husband & I moved from Washington State to Arizona, which, of course, necessitated a change in my oral care. . . All the new doctors are saying my gums aren’t healthy enough for braces — yet they are the healthiest they have been in YEARS AND they are healthier than when I was first banded! I am SO FRUSTRATED! My last adjustment was back in February. My wires were removed in April & I have had JUST brackets on my teeth ever since. This is NOT okay!
It’s been mentioned before that I slip into depression from time to time. . . For me, it has never been of the suicidal variety, as you hear about so often. . . Rather, it is the spiraling, emotional, self-destructive, get lost in my own thoughts, want to sleep all the time variety. . . When I was younger, I kept a few journals. I don’t know if depression plagued me then, but I’ve always been an emotional, highly analytical person. . . As I got older, somewhere along the way, journaling fell to the wayside. I don’t know if I just didn’t have the patience for it any longer or if I simply & genuinely forgot all about it.
After my mother died when I was a teenager, & as the years went on, a recurring pattern of depression emerged. It always seemed the worst during the winter months. I never could tell if it was directly related to the decreased amount of sunlight in the Pacific Northwest or if it was simply the time of year — typically from beginning to mid-November all the way through January & a good chunk of February. My mother’s death was on January 11, 1999.
I was 17-years-old & a senior in high school. At the time, I kept myself busy, hanging out with friends, working at my job at the local department store. . . Whatever I could do to keep my mind off the fact that my mother was in & out of the hospital, staying the night a couple of hours away, & coming home on the weekends or whenever her treatment for acute myelogenous leukemia (AML — apparently, one of the most aggressive forms) would allow.
To this day, I haven’t quite figured out which took hold stronger. . . Has it really been the memories of that last holiday season before my mother’s death that has me slipping into a depression every year? Or has it been my lack of sufficient amounts of Vitamin D in the grey winter months in Western Washington? Either way, most years, by the time January would roll around, I was at my worst. Between the anniversary of her death & then her birthday on February 5, I couldn’t resist the feeling of sadness & overwhelming helplessness. It’s hard to explain the feeling to anyone who hasn’t been there. . .
When I was young, I had grand ideas of marriage & becoming a mother. As I got older, I had two sons without getting married & realized that I didn’t have that “biological clock” ticking away, like some other gals my age. . . I felt like I should make sure I wound up with a life partner that was truly meant for me — not someone who I could see myself with, but, rather someone I couldn’t see myself without. I felt so strongly about this that I would not settle. I had a few casual relationships, but nothing that made it past a few months, really. I was alright with never meeting “The One” because I thought that maybe I had set my sights so high that, perhaps, he didn’t exist. . .
Obviously, he does exist. (Thankful #1) The handsome husband is obviously a frequent topic of conversation here at Calculated Chaos. I love him with all of my heart — I had better, right?! 😉 Because I did not think I would marry, my love for him (& his love for me!) feels even more special. This is my “fairy tale” of how we came to be. . .
Inspiration is a magnificent thing! It comes in so many different forms & is something completely different from one person to the next. It is what compels you to do something. . . It’s what pushes you further along than you ever thought possible, or to pick up & try again after you’ve been knocked down for what seems like one too many times. It’s what gives you the energy to brainstorm that great idea & what gives you hope & the smile on your face.
For me, inspiration comes in the form of how I feel when I’ve done something well or accomplished something I’ve set my mind to & worked my ass off for. That feeling is one of the most wonderful things & it has the power to keep me floating along a path to more good things (when I keep The Bitch from ruining it, that is!). But, mostly, my inspiration comes from the people around me. . . Let me explain.
It’s time for another Ultimate Coffee Date (UCD) — which I am going to attempt to combine with this week’s Ten Things of Thankful (TToT) post, so tell me how I do!! (I didn’t want to choose! Can you blame me?? 😉 )
(On a similar note, if you’re popping over from the Blog-tember Challenge, please know that today’s prompt, (A “currently…” post. Tell us what you’re loving, hating, reading, eating, etc.) will be done on Monday, because I already participate in a weekly “Currently.” link-up that I quite enjoy. SO, I hope y’all don’t mind me improvising to fit it all in!)
Now, COFFEE!! 😀 Instead of meeting up at a local coffee joint this month, why don’t you come join me at my place? I love Starbucks & all, but I am really trying hard not to get completely hooked on an endless amount of coffee each day — & they’re just so darn expensive! Now, I don’t have a coffee maker, as mine broke a while back — BUT the handsome husband surprised me by coming home with a mini French-press this week! (Thankful #1) We’ll have to make our coffee a cup at a time (which will help us savor it that much more!) & I can whip up some of my delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies while we chat! 😉 Make yourself at home!
When I read today’s prompt for the Blog-tember Challenge, I couldn’t help but think how extremely broad it seemed (in my opinion). . .
“I am passionate about ______________. “
I am passionate about so many things! I asked myself, “How can I even start to narrow this down?!” Then a thought struck me. . .
Several weeks ago, I started a series of posts, scheduled for every Friday. (Coincidence that today also happens to be a Friday? I think not!) This series is called “On Purpose.” (To get a better understanding of what it is all about, please read the introductory post here.)
These posts have helped me tremendously in becoming more purposeful & — perhaps even more importantly for me — being able to measure my productivity in staying purposeful & living intentionally, rather than letting life happen to me. This is something I have become quite passionate about (among many other things, of course)! It is imperative that I make sure I stay productive & do not stagnate — or even feel like I am stuck. It’s quite a big deal in my world & a huge factor in whether I feel happy. Continue reading “On Purpose: Getting Passionate”→