Dear You…

Well, technically, I suppose that should read, “Dear Me,” but I have this overwhelming disconnect between who I am now (& who I have been in the past) & YOU — who I am going to be in just a few short months…

Dear You

I know pregnancy, technically, isn’t anything completely brand-new to me… I have two sons already, after all… BUT, they’re nearly 14 & 10 now. This might as well be my “first rodeo” on so many levels at this point!

I am so thoroughly uncomfortable & downright miserable & just ready to be done being pregnant — permanently.

BUT, I am also SO incredibly afraid to be YOU.

Sure, part of it is the fear of having a daughter… Us girls can be so overly-emotional (Hello?! Have you MET me???) & sensitive & delicate & all the things I’ve never really equated to being the mom of boys… I am almost ashamed to admit that there is SUCH a difference in my head between the two…

I sincerely hope, as you read this, you are chuckling at that part & wondering how silly such a thought was for you to have because your (our) Little Miss is just so perfect & you can’t imagine your life without her!

I think A LOT of it has to do with thinking about my relationship with my own mother — & her relationship with HER mother (my grandmother) — & REALLY trying not to be too sad that I didn’t get to call her my best friend one day… That time was cut so short & God decided He needed her in Heaven more than I needed her here… That I do feel so incredibly gypped out of such an experience…

And, directly tied to that, I am so incredibly afraid that my insecurities & anger about how my relationship with MY mother turned out will negatively affect my relationship with my daughter… I am SO incredibly afraid I will either try too hard or — perhaps, SO. MUCH. WORSE. — NOT try hard enough to be a good mom to my daughter because I fear I will fall WAY too short anyway…

Yes. I am afraid to be YOU.

On a similar note, I am afraid because I do have two sons already — two sons who do not live with me full-time…. Who I know I made good choices for, under the circumstances… Who have great daddies who take fabulous care of them… But who I do not get to be part of their every day lives; (this is MUCH more true for one than the other).

The point is, I have some serious short-comings as a mom. My current situation makes that kinda evident. I can argue that I made the best decisions I could under the circumstances… That I did what I sincerely thought was best each time a son went to live with his dad… That, sometimes, being a “good” mom means putting your kid before you — & that’s exactly what I did… But, the fact of the matter is that I just didn’t plan my life well & my current situation with my sons was NOT part of my plan &, regardless of whether it is healthy, I will ALWAYS carry a certain amount of guilt with me for that…

I am SO afraid the birth of Little Miss is just going to confirm that my short-comings as a mom — a “job” I wanted since I was a little girl — are ingrained in ME & not the circumstances I want to pin them on… Now, I have a loving, supportive partner — not that my sons’ dads weren’t trying to be in their time too; it’s just that’s not what was intended for any of us…

The handsome husband, regardless of any frustrations I may have toward him in my pregnancy-induced emotional fury lately, IS the love of my life, my soulmate, the other-half God created specifically for ME. This being so, being a mom to Little Miss should turn out SO much differently. Instead of having a partner who is devoted to his child, I will have a partner who is ALSO devoted to ME, as his wife…

But, what IF? What if I am still not a good mom…? Am I really prepared to have that realization? Then what? I just don’t know. By now, YOU do, though… Or at least you’re starting to gain some kind of realization…

*Sigh.* I am still SO afraid to be YOU…

Then, SO closely related is this “housewife,” stay-at-home-mom business… I’ve always said I am not cut out for this crap. (That’s a HUGE part of why I am in college now!) I don’t have a domestic bone in my body & I am not of the mindset to be home so damn much. I tried it with my oldest; I truly thought it was what I wanted… But, my depression — which I didn’t fully understand at the time — crept in so hardcore & tore me (& my relationship at the time) apart. The way I remember it, I barely functioned. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t do anything but the bare minimum for survival for me OR my son… It was NOT a good period of life. I can’t revisit those feelings again. I won’t.

Yet, yesterday, I finished my last final for my fall semester of college. Next semester (starting mid-January), I am still enrolled full-time, but all of my classes will be online. Logically — rationally — it’s a good call to make; I will get to continue as a student, but still have the flexibility for my February due-date, bonding with my daughter, learning to be a parents with the handsome husband, adjusting to this new phase of life together… BUT…

I am SO afraid to be YOU…

My only time away from the house will be for doctors’ appointments & maybe grocery store runs… It has the potential to be a repeat of 14 years ago all over again. I. Just. Can’t.

Or maybe I can? Fourteen years IS a long time… I have grown so much. The girl I was then is just a small part of who I am now.  BUT, I also know now just how much of a BEAST my depression can be… I am so incredibly afraid it’s a beast that will rear its ugly head at a time when I am supposed to be feeling the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life…

I know how bad it can be. I know how hard it is already on me & the handsome husband & the very small handful of true support people I have in my life. I am just NOT prepared for it to be even worse…. & I am not prepared for the added guilt & helplessness I know I will feel if I slip into a postpartum depression (PPD) this time around too.

I wish simply being aware of the potential of PPD was enough to keep it away… & even though I know that is not the case, I wish I didn’t know that so I could at least be blissfully unaware right now.

Yet, I know it is most likely the ugly beast magnifying my fearfulness to these heights… & I can’t do anything to stop it.

Yesterday, when I came home from that last final, I was feeling a sense of relief for this very trying, but ultimately satisfying & successful, semester to finally be over. BUT, I was also feeling this impending sense of DREAD for what is coming. I panicked. I tried to calm myself by talking it out a bit… But, the kind of talk that calms me, makes the handsome husband anxious. Let us just say, it was a really rough night.

Lately, I’ve cried myself to sleep, alone in our king-size bed, more nights than I should admit to you — or anyone else who happens to read this letter…

I AM SO AFRAID TO BE YOU.

I hope, as you read this, you’re breathing a sigh of relief, Reta Jayne. I hope all of this worry & fearfulness & abundance of tears are all for nothing. I hope you are holding our Little Miss with the handsome husband’s comforting arms around you & thanking God for blessing you in ways that, right now, I am having a hard time envisioning.

We prayed so hard for our Little Miss. We want her SO bad & I am SO incredibly grateful that I get this opportunity. I have no doubt, just as I’ve never doubted it with my sons, that Little Miss is destined to be & do great things in this world. God helped us create her & she has some unfathomable, fabulous purpose in life… She is our little miracle… But, I am having SUCH a hard time having faith that it will all be okay in regard to my role as her mother…

I am SO incredibly afraid to be YOU… 

Signed,

Me.


 

This post was written for the “Finish the Sentence Friday” blog-hop, hosted at Finding Ninee & Crumpets & Bollocks. This week’s prompt was “Dear Me…”

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7 thoughts on “Dear You…

  1. The fact that you admit to and recognize your depression is a great place to start. I think all soon-to-be mommies worry about not being enough, whether it is their first or fifteenth child. This time is so different in that you have your love helping you and you know the warning signs. Your fears are still very valid and I applaud you for being able to put them in writing to share with others. You will be a great mom to little miss, just the way God intends. Maybe start looking for mommy and me groups. You may meet some friends to get you out of the house. You know I’m always here, to listen, talk you out of your self hate, and to give you encouragement.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you! You always have the right things to say, it seems… I hadn’t thought of those mommy groups… They have always been something I’ve kinda rolled my eyes at, rather than taken seriously… BUT, perhaps it’s worth at least looking into, under the circumstances? I guess I can’t know unless I try… Maybe a couple months after Little Miss is born, I will start looking… We will see… 😉 xo

      Like

  2. All of your fears are valid, and all of them are possibilities which you can’t control because until you’re IN the situation there’s just no way of knowing how it will all work out.

    Just keep focussing on all the solid, good differences between who and where you are now, and who and where you were 10 and 14 years ago. You have SO much more support.

    I have confidence in you. Your worries show you’re thinking and planning and preparing, but all the same, I hope it’s all more wonderful than you ever could have imagined xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Your fears are valid.” Thank you for that! It sucks, but there IS some peace that comes with the “permission” to be afraid for these reasons… I argue with myself that I should be more positive & have confidence that I did the best so could with what I knew at the time… & maybe that is true. BUT, it can ALSO be true that it is a human thing to be afraid for all of these reasons, plus more… I really do hope I read this letter in a few months & breathe a sigh of relief that things turned out much better than I am capable of imagining right now…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’ve thought of All Of The Things, and I know that you will rock being a mommy to this new baby girl, however it looks. We make choices and decisions and we make them based on Now, and how we are, and you’ll do okay, no matter what those are for her, and for you. Ya know? Really.

    Liked by 1 person

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