I have two sons by two different men & neither of those men are my husband.
Neither of those men have ever been my husband.
I’ve always said I would marry once & only once & I meant it (& still do).
Yet, I am occasionally reminded that I did things quite out-of-order.
“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” (You remember the song; I know you do.)
I used to joke that, because I already had two children, the pressure was off to find a man. . . A lot of women seem to rush the romance department because their biological clocks are ticking & I don’t have that as an issue. . . (At least that’s what I thought.)
I also used to joke that I chose fabulous fathers for my sons, but the most horrific men for myself. . . That is true. They’re good men & great fathers, but I have no idea how I thought they might be good partners for me! LOL.
With all of this said, now that I am approaching my second wedding anniversary in a few months, I am realizing I was not as free of my biological clock as I originally thought. . .
There is something to the “order” of things. . . I would never trade my sons for anything, but I want very badly to have my husband’s child too.
Don’t get me wrong — my sons are my husband’s too. It’s just that they also have their biological fathers & live in a different state with them. I want my husband to have the experience of watching his child grow in my body, be born, & grow some more. . .
It’s the natural order of things, right?
Wants & needs are two very different things, though. Whether we have a child together is entirely in God’s hands; that’s more than obvious after last year’s miscarriage.
It’s just interesting to me that there was a time when “the order of things” seemed so arbitrary to me in comparison to how I view it now. . .