Life “As Usual”

I am seeing what, apparently, the handsome husband has been seeing for a while. . . Maybe it’s just that time of year, but I obviously have my depression crap to deal with again. . . 

My hang-up isn’t necessarily that I don’t want to get help — it is that I’ve tried it & it didn’t work in the past. . . So, I am thinking, what do I need to get straight in my head to try again — particularly since he’s made it clear it’s what he thinks I should do. . . ?

Whatever THAT means. . . (Image from morgueFile.com)
Whatever THAT means. . . (Image from morgueFile.com)

Really, blogging or talking to a friend has been plenty. I have no desire to talk to some stranger — regardless of how many degrees they supposedly have. . . 

My blog is outlet enough, when I feel the urge.

All that leaves IS medication. . . It is a HUGE ordeal to find the type that works right for a person. . . & a HUGE ordeal to find the proper dosage. . . &, if you suck at remembering to take a pill every single day (as I do), the ups & downs of being on & abruptly off this type of medication are ridiculous to deal with!

The side effects can be just as bad as the symptoms of depression — among them, extreme fatigue or extreme jitters. One of those medications was like being on speed! No joke! I was grinding my teeth & tense all the time. It was horrible! Another had me wanting to sleep ALL DAY — I didn’t need the medication to make me want to do that! LOL.

MOST of all, there are VERY FEW antidepressants that are okay when pregnant or breastfeeding — particularly during the first half of pregnancy. It scares me to think about going on a medication that cannot be stopped abruptly, especially when it could be harmful to our child if we DO wind up getting pregnant. In my mind, it isn’t an option for that reason. . . OR, it IS an option if birth control is part of the plan too. . . 

It might seem like a “no-brainer” to get help when you feel like you need it. . . But, like most other things in life, it is NOT that “black & white.”

Do you get my hesitation now? If it weren’t for all of this, I might be to a point where I were willing to try. . . But, it just doesn’t sit right in my mind. . . I’ve “dealt” without it this long, what is a while longer?

Adding to that feeling, back in May (coincidentally, just before — & for a bit just after — our miscarriage), I spent a few weeks poking around for a psychologist or psychiatrist. I looked at the website for our insurance to look them up. . . & I used just a good ol’ Google search. The ones on the insurance site were largely for addiction or family therapy. . . or did business out of their apartment, (which I am so not comfortable with). The ones I found through Google only accepted welfare patients (people covered through Arizona’s version of medicaid).

When I went to my primary care provider to get a referral, all she said was that I was “severely depressed,” according to her little questionnaire thing that she read off from her tablet. .  . Then she told me to call that Employee Assistance Program number on the back of our insurance card to get a referral somewhere. . . When I finally worked up the nerve to call them for a referral, they wanted to ask me a bunch of personal questions over the phone. They’re not doctors! Why would I share with them?! It just didn’t sit well, I guess. . . Maybe I’ve been over-thinking it?
I feel like I’ve put in A LOT of effort to try to find treatment & they just don’t make it easy. . .

All the way down to a girl in the front office of  doctors office WHISPERING that I was there to be seen for depression — like it was something I should be ashamed of or embarrassed about. (Bull shit! Do they KNOW me?!)

I guess I am not that against finding help in some way. . . In fact, I’ve agreed for a while that I could use it. . . It’s just that the whole process is entirely too overwhelming — more overwhelming than it should be. . . It just makes matters worse!

 

In thinking about it further, it has been a decade-&-a-half (or so) since I last sought help. . . A lot could have changed in the treatment of depression since then, I suppose. . .

 

Then, my husband convinced me that some of the people I wrote off as not being qualified to help, were, in fact, qualified. . . So, I trusted him & I made a phone call. . . & I was referred to a psychologist in my area. He is part of a faith-based counseling center & supposedly specializes in proper depression-related diagnosis & in grief therapy. . .

I am skeptical. Thoroughly. . . & I am not able to actually get in to see him for another three weeks. A lot could happen between now & then. I’ve been in this place before (WAY in the past) & talked myself out of going to the appointment. . . BUT, the point is, a step has been taken. . . & he is a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. In other words, even if he thinks I should be medicated, he cannot prescribe the stuff himself — he would have to refer me elsewhere. SO, since I feel so strongly about that bit, perhaps this little fact will help me relax about that whole idea for a while, eh?

Until then, it is life as usual. . . Whatever that means right now. 😉

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10 thoughts on “Life “As Usual”

  1. I am extraordinarily proud of you for taking this step. If you want to talk yourself out of it, you call me and I’ll talk you right back into it. Mental health is just like physical health– when something’s out of whack, often times you need some help to put it right.

    If I can go to forty bajillion specialists trying to get one answer for why my brain does ONE thing weirdly, you can certainly go see a psychologist. And I am happy to remind you of this. 😉

    Really, though. Super good job taking that first step! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The last time I was on anything was YEARS ago. . . But, that is how I remember them. I was a zombie, yes. I just went through the motions, much like without the meds, except there weren’t any tears involved.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve always wondered about that. . . I am sure they are fine for many people. . . & maybe it would have worked better for me if I were more patient in finding the RIGHT one for me, at the RIGHT dose for me. . . AND if I actually had a routine that made it difficult for me to forget to take one here & there. . . They add more stress & anxiety than they help. . . At least that has been my experience thus far.

      Liked by 1 person

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