I’ve been feeling a little down lately. . . Not quite in one of my funks yet, but on a downward slope, nonetheless. Ugh. At least I am getting to a point in my life where I can at least recognize that I am slipping, right? (Thankful #1). And, I suppose I should be thankful that my funks (as I like to call my lower points) are not as bad as some you hear about. . . There’s never been a time I have purposefully wanted to harm myself. . . & I have never thought of ending my life. . . I have participated in or initiated some pretty self-destructive behavior of varying degrees at different points in my life — but nothing that would typically be considered downright suicidal. (Thankful #2).
Now, with all that said, I still have plenty to be thankful for. . . Even if it is hard for me to see in the moment. . . So, in keeping with this (possibly depressing) theme, how about I take my recent ill-fortune, failures, & insecurities & turn them into my thankfuls for the week? After all, what we think about, we bring about & this is my opportunity to mold my thoughts into something more positive. (Thankful #3).
Something around eight months ago, I left the workforce & have been what people call a “housewife.” It has alternated between being liberating & suffocating, sometimes all within the same day. . . I get to — for the most part — set my own schedule (or not). I am responsible for the laundry; the meal-planning & cooking & grocery shopping; & the majority of the cleaning. I also manage our budget & see to it that our bills are paid. I sleep in as late as I see fit &/or go to bed as late or as early as my body would like. That part is pretty damn fabulous. . . I am grateful to have that opportunity — which is presented to me solely because the handsome husband works his ass off to make sure we have the income to survive. (Thankful #4).
With all of that said, I am not a domestic person. There is not a single cell in my body that actually enjoys cleaning or laundry. There is a pile of clean clothes in our bedroom that I keep telling myself needs to be folded, yet I find every excuse imaginable to put off this undesirable task. . . I sweep & mop & vacuum probably half as much as I really should. . . The only good things that have come from me being a housewife is that I have gotten considerably better at keeping my dishes & counters somewhat caught up (&, at least, not totally overwhelming) pretty much daily, with few exceptions; I have grown my confidence in the kitchen in regard to cooking & baking & even enjoy some parts of it — including learning new things (at my own pace); & my house is does not look like someone just ransacked it. (Don’t laugh — too hard — at that last one; there have been times in my life when I had absolutely no control over my house & it really did look like someone had just broken in & robbed me. What can I say? Chaos in the mind results in chaos around you.) So. . . I guess I have grown as a person as a result of my housewife status. (Thankful #5).
Yet. . . Just yesterday, I got a call from one of my former bosses. I was with that company for about three years, left for about six months & found myself going back to the company for another (approximate) six months. I really loved that job. It was WAY too stressful for the work-life balance I desired. . . But I loved it. And I didn’t mind working for that boss. Anyway, she used to be a district manager & I have heard she is now a regional manger for the company (where I worked in retail management, as an assistant store manager or store sales manager). She has openings at the store near me & “would make it worth my while” if I wanted to come back to the company full-time OR part-time — even if it was just through the holiday season (i.e. until January or so). I am tempted to do it. . . It’s partially that I am so under-stimulated being at home all the time & partially because there are HUGE amounts of the job & the company that I really did enjoy. I am thankful that I did well enough in that job where she would seek me out to fill a position. (Thankful #6). I am also thankful that I had enough sense about me to not burn bridges when I left — both times! — so that she would feel comfortable seeking me out to let me know about the opportunities in my area. (Thankful #7).
Taking all of that into consideration, though, I can’t help but think that she must be in some kind of a pinch to seek me out. I’ve left her employ not once, but twice. I know my sh*t doesn’t exactly smell like roses, so I must not be some kind of special. . . There comes a point where maybe the opportunity is just a distraction from what I really need to be focusing on — like my education? My first semester, going back to school for what will ultimately be my bachelors degree in finance, starts this next week (as in three days from now). I have a full-time schedule & I do not yet know how demanding it might be. Two of my closest friends, along with the handsome husband, have all expressed their opinions that I should take advantage of the fact that I am able to go to school full-time without having to worry about also pulling in an income. . .Furthermore, the opinion has been expressed that my dissatisfaction with my housewife status might be remedied if I can also add the title of “student” to the mix. . . They might be right. . . I am pretty grateful to have these people in my life who tell me what I need to hear, rather than what I think I want to hear, huh? (Thankful #8). I am pretty sure I will be taking their advice, but I will give it another week or so to contemplate my options (& get a feel for the demand of my classes) before I call that former boss to tell her my decision. . .
On a completely separate note, I have had recurring uveitis since something around February 2010. The first time I had it, I wound up in the emergency room not able to see out of my left eye. It looked yellowish & foggy & my pupil was as small as a pinpoint. It was scary. It’s only gotten so bad that I had to go to the emergency room once more since then, but it doesn’t change the severity of this condition. People look at me funny when I try to explain it, because unless it is in a seriously dangerous more-advanced stage (like that which required the hospital visits), it cannot always be seen by others. . . BUT, for me, it means severe light-sensitivity, blurred vision, major headaches, & a risk to permanently decreasing (or altogether losing) my vision in the affected eye — which has always been my left eye, for whatever reason. It sucks. BIG TIME. It affects so much of what I want to do on a day-to-day basis. . . & I see a direct correlation between my uveitis flare-ups & my bouts of depression. Woe is me, right? BUT, this is a post about thankfulness, right? I really am thankful that I at least know what it is that ails my left eye so frequently these days. . I may not fully understand it & my ophthalmologists might not seem to know what to do to prevent it, but at least I have a name to give it. . . That really does lend a certain amount of comfort. (Thankful #9).
And, while we’re on the subject of my “bum eye,” as I call it, I am thankful that the handsome husband has some pretty fabulous health insurance through his work. . . (Thankful #10). The eye drop I have migrated to as my uveitis has worsened over the past few years is so potent, it is usually prescribed for patients after some kinds of eye surgery. It is a type of steroid, I believe. It is new enough that there is no generic version of it, so it is particularly expensive. If we didn’t have insurance, the tiny little 5mL bottle would cost something around $180!! Ridiculous. Thankfully, we only pay something around $38 — still expensive, but not as expensive.. .
I know; I know. My tone this week is a bit of a downer. . . BUT, I do believe I’ve now turned what ails me into what I am thankful for, no? 😉
What are YOU thankful for this week? Leave me a note in the comments below, send an email to email@example.com, or connect with me on Calculated Chaos on Facebook.