Just Thinking Out Loud

I have certainly not made it a secret that I have a ton of gunk floatin’ around up in my noggin’ at any given point in time! Sometimes it’s funny. . . Sometimes brooding & almost dark. . . Others, it’s downright emotional girl crap. . .  And, still other times, it’ll barely make any sense to anyone but me. Either way, from time to time, I need to purge my brain of all the gunk swirling around up there. . . And, it’s nice to let the normal conventions go in doing so. Therefore, just as the title suggests, Thursdays, going forward, will be for thinking out loud.

The benefit is that, over time, it should make for some pretty interesting Thursday posts to read &, if I should ever find myself with a writers block, it’ll help give me material for subsequent posts. I will make an attempt to format after purging, so it makes for an easier read, but that’s the joy of a thing such as this. . . It’s a little unpredictable (& surprising difficult in terms of letting it be a bit messy)!

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My sleeping habits are starting to get a little messed up again. . . . I would’ve stayed up all night last night if I hadn’t taken a sleep aid to knock myself out. My brain just keeps going & going & going. . . I don’t know how to shut it up sometimes. . .  BUT, I also forced myself back to sleep at 5am today, only to wake up & start my coffee an hour later. The handsome husband still sleeps as I write this. (That rarely happens!)

This unpleasant “situation” I am in with someone I care about has been eating away at me as well. As far as I know, the other party couldn’t care less. . . I just can’t continue to feel like I am being walked on. I believe I am loved by this person, but I don’t feel respected. And THAT is a filthy feeling. Does being the better person really mean that I need to always be the one to take steps to mend the fences? It seems like we have this kind of falling out every three or four years or so & I am always the one that initiates some kind of reconciliation. Why is that? It’s frustrating. For once, why can’t this other person swallow their damn pride & attempt an apology without ME having to start the conversation?

I am getting a bit stir-crazy at home. It’s kind of a “catch 22,” though, because there’s nothing I can think of that I really want to do outside of home either. . . I think that getting more settled in here will help. . . You know, getting all the picture frames placed & hung & finding a spot for all the other decoratives. . . Unpacking the last few boxes that are hanging out in the spare room & the garage. . . And, of course, getting our new bed & getting the guest bedroom and my son’s bedroom set up. It bothers me that we have this lovely three-bedroom house & the two extra bedrooms are minor storage areas too still. Yes, it’s only been just over a month. BUT, it’s one of those things that’s driving me (more?) crazy.

I got an unexpected phone call from one of my best friends the other day. She had just read one of my posts & felt compelled to take a moment to pick up the phone & remind me of a few things. I cried. But, mostly, I smiled. I really needed that. Her timing was amazing. The perfect example of why she is part of my chosen family, for sure!

The handsome husband is taking me to a county fair about thirty minutes away from home later this morning. It’s all in an attempt to remedy my “cabin fever.” Fairs aren’t really our thing. . . Neither of us are all that into carnival rides & I don’t really dig the whole cotton candy idea or any of that stuff. . . BUT, sometimes it is fun to walk around & people watch & check out any vendors that are there. It gets me out of the house & spending quality time with the handsome husband. That, I am pretty excited about! Perhaps, we’ll check out a movie afterward. Air-conditioning! It’s supposed to be in the upper-90’s here today!

Even though I have some obvious body issues going on as a result of all the weight I’ve gained over the last year or two, I have decided that it is even more unhealthy for me to continue to be so hard on myself. . . I have the bicycle the handsome husband bought for me last year & an elliptical-like contraption & a Pilates DVD that I purchased recently. I just need to focus on doing each of these at least once a week, (& if I choose not to do one, I should replace it with another). Furthermore, I need to quit being so hard on myself about it. If it’s only 15 minutes, so be it. I need to praise the successes instead of focusing on what I deem to be failures. I get too caught up in the negative otherwise.

My father called me last night. I missed the phone call & he left a voicemail. I have conflicted emotions about this. On the one hand, of course I like that he thought of me enough to try to contact me; on the other hand, I feel as though the tone of his voicemails conveys too much contempt for the fact that I did not answer. I guess I wish he was a bit more humble. I can’t help but wonder if he was drunk when he called. In true form, I can’t help but internalize this whole situation. . . Am I being too hard on him? He isn’t getting any younger. Will I regret not making a larger effort where he is concerned? He must regret the decisions he’s made in regards to the lives of both my sister & me, right? And, then there’s a huge part of myself that just wishes I didn’t care so much. . .

Well, that wasn’t as light-hearted as I would’ve liked, but I suppose, it can’t always be, eh? At least it’s an honest reflection of some of the various thoughts that my brain is constantly stirring around today. . . Are you sorry you “took this trip” with me? LOL.

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This post was written for the Thinking Out Loud link up hosted by Amanda at Running with Spoons. Please leave me a comment with some of the thoughts floating around in YOUR noggin’, then head over to this week’s link up to see what others had to share.

 

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19 thoughts on “Just Thinking Out Loud

  1. I was happy to see that you decided to add some love for yourself in with the hard thoughts. I am guilty of letting all of my thoughts and emotions take over too. Writing like this helps and there are many women here to support you!

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    1. Thank you so much, Jessica! That is certainly PART of the reason I write. . . It’s a major release for me. Plus, it is interesting to start a conversation with others who have experienced similar emotions. . . A sense of community, if you will. It’s a struggle sometimes, but I believe balancing the negative with positive IS important. . .

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  2. People watching is my favorite, and fairs are perfect for that 🙂
    I hope you try practicing some self love and patting yourself on the back for what you are doing for yourself and your body rather than letting the negative voices take over, even though I know how hard that can be! I’ve learned that the way we talk to ourselves is just as important as what we put into our body.
    Hope you’re having a nice weekend 🙂

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  3. I work from home so I completely understand how bad it is to get stir crazy. We moved almost a year ago and I don’t know anybody here. I started blogging again so that I wouldn’t go crazy since the only one here during the day is my cat. 😉 I’ve always had trouble sleeping too, some nights I never go to sleep at all. It always catches up to me after a few days so I take melatonin sometimes and it helps a lot.

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    1. It DOES sound like you’re in a VERY similar boat! It’s me & the dog, Logan, while the handsome husband is at work. We’ve only been here for about a month now, so I know I should give myself some time to get used to things. . . BUT, I worry it will always be this way. We shall see. . . Thank you for taking a moment to share too. 😉

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  4. I enjoy the “Thinking Out Loud” series … instead of the random thoughts (I put that in the “Coffee Date LinkUp” I tend to ramble on about one specific topic. But it is a nice outlet!.

    Sometimes I wonder about NOT getting stir-crazy at home. In my “old age” I’m getting to where I’m just content to stay home, and almost resentful of anytime I “have” to go out and do something. I guess it’s good I have the boy’s basketball stuff to make me leave the house. I do like my Zumba too, I actually really look forward to it. It’s surprising, because I’ve never been a social exerciser.

    Just writing things down can often at least provide a release, even if nothing actually changes. Good luck with it all. I’ll have to take some time and “poke around” your blog as you’ve done on mine (but I gotta go pick up the kids carpool right now … early out at the elementary today! So easy to forget!).

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    1. Jen, it’s interesting that you comment on NOT getting stir-crazy at home. . . I almost wonder if I only get stir-crazy because I THINK I SHOULD BE. Make sense? I really am a homebody. And nine times out of ten, when we do go out & about, I just want to go home. I guess I just need to meet people so I can entertain a couple times a month. That’d be my solution! 😉

      I do intend to try the Ultimate Coffee Date link up as well, but I missed it last week & I believe it’s reserved for the first Saturday of each month. . . SO, it stands to reason that I should have a FABULOUS coffee date for May saved up. 😉

      If you choose to poke around, I would positively LOVE it! I have only gotten REALLY active over the past couple months, even though I started over a year ago. It is proving to be rather enjoyable (& somewhat addicting! LOL).

      Thanks for popping over today! 😀

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  5. We need a phone date. Perhaps I shall call you tomorrow.
    I love you, and I hope you get settled and find some peace for your restless spirit soon!

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    1. We ARE way overdue for a phone date, my dear Khai. I would very much like that! I love you too. It’s only a matter of time; you know how it is. . . It’ll eventually all balance out. . . 😉

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  6. Girl I feel you on the wonky sleep schedule. Mine has been all over the place lately, and I often find myself waking up at 3:30 AM and not being able to get back to sleep because I just want to get out of bed and start DOING things — almost like I”m bored of sleeping? And then I’ll be up for a few hours and take a nap again at around 7 😆 It definitely makes for an interesting start to the day.

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    1. Isn’t THAT the truth?! Maybe it’s not so bad, afterall. I do like getting the quiet coffee, blogging, morning news time in. . . 😉 Thank you for taking a moment to pop over here, Ms. Amanda.

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